Updated: May 21, 2020
... here’s my story so far: the conception of my child 2 years ago pushed up unresolved trauma, started group therapy where I learned I was raped by my h.s. boyfriend (had no idea it wasn’t just sex after he hit me repeatedly in the car that led to sex..). As the event occurred in June... I have the toughest time every fucking Summer.
I’m done with not healing from this shit.
Would love to meet other traumatized mofos, so we can rejoice in being survivors.
When did it all start?
My parents really fucked me up too though... the more I push thru the more I see the origin, so I can follow through on acknowledging, & caring for myself. I’m still fucking angry so fuck letting go for now.
My mom would say shit like “you can cry when I’m dead” when I was upset at shit that had nothing to do with her. I just didn’t or can’t recall having the space nor time to transmute my feelings, where I felt force to think I was being negative for not feeling happy, versus the simple understanding that whatever feeling outside of happy would pass.
So it got bottled down, disassociated with, & shamed away. Not now though, & not with our daughter; I’m just pissed about it, & happy to feel pissed! Motherfuckers.
My mother stayed with my husband & I for 3 months when my daughter was born, & it was extremely traumatic...finally told her what happened to me in H.S., she told me I was lying, & long the story shorten left w/o saying goodbye when I took off from work, fresh from maternity leave to drive her to the airport, get to the house, & she already left, which resulted in us not speaking for months.
My Dad seen my daughter for the first time a couple months ago, to include bringing my mom to our home, & I was so thirsty for their love, & for them to meet their granddaughter I just let it go, & started rebuilding the relationship with the both of them.
Truth is, most ppl that hurt us don’t give a fuck, & if anything feel we hurt them...'
What are your symptoms?
Prior to the CBD, the symptoms:
overcompensating in relationships (personal/professional)
choosing detrimental relationships (where I devote on helping others so I don’t focus on my fucked self)
Flightiness (can’t live in the same spot for 6mths, keep a job over a year...)
I stumbled across my old folder of worksheets from when I was in intensive group therapy - revisiting the ‘how to be assertive’ is helping with finding security in myself. And, I totally understand the “save” complex which typically ended up w/me fucking the person up more, you hit the nail on the head there, lol.
I was just trying to avoid saving myself, I see that now.
How do you manage your symptoms?
I’ve isolated myself in a emotional triggering marriage - so coping for me right now is moving out as I no longer believe he’s going to do what’s necessary to get himself help.
I’m on the market for a therapist - in between jobs right now (I’m a HCM Consultant & I work with federal contracts), so going the homegrown route as of June & treating my PTSD with CBD in addition to finding (free) like-minded group therapy.
I’m starting to combine science with religion, learning about math & music, art & patterns - Cafe Astrology is a good place for diving deeper, & Astro.com allows free multiple charts with your profile; it’ll make more sense, let me know your thoughts when you check it out.
I started my own inc. where I career coach - I have different tiers for pricing if you’re interested, I have a client I’m working with now, & I’m still building my website!
Lol, the universe sure does give you what you need when you make room for it.