• jess

COVID Coping: Why is being at home so triggering?

Updated: Jun 12, 2020

Just a quick one that might put some of your uncomfortable feelings in their rightful place.

I have to say, the news about COVID is frightening and the unrest is definitely causing me stress. But it seems like I'm just as triggered sitting around my inside world as I am watching the news about the outside world.

Anyone else triggered by home life itself? And why?

Why do I wake up every day with a sense of dread at the thought of being indoors? Why do I get mid-afternoon anxiety attacks? Why is it so hard to keep my head clear? Why do my thoughts continually circle back to a general unease?

It's helpful for me right now to remember, a good deal of this stress is from the past.

No, it doesn't help that the news is endlessly streaming terror straight to my phone. No, I'm not happy about the state of the world. No, I don't enjoy ambiguity about my future.

But I think there are other factors creating strain in my day to day existence. Like, being "stuck" at home, itself.

The other times in my life that I've been "trapped" inside, I was under extreme mental distress. Those other periods have been marked by crippling depression which kept me bedridden, or overwhelming fear/anxiety that kept me too afraid to go outdoors, or emotionally abusive relationships that necessitated I was always within sight, or a lonesome childhood spent hiding from an unstable family of addicts.

When I'm back in this same situation, or one that feels similar enough, my brain links up with familiar past experiences, and I'm none the wiser. Trauma brain and physiological responses take over, as if I'm back in the same old place again.

I'm flooded with the ghosts of the emotions that used to be inescapable, but it feels like I'm back in the chaos right now. My fear of slipping into a mentally unhealthy state is unshakable. My expectation of abrupt changes or dangerous situations never fades.

Right now, there's a lot to be upset about. But I think some of my triggers are coming from the walls around me.

I guess I'm just struggling in this forced Freeze state. I've never had a good experience when I felt like I couldn't leave the house. And it's making this whole pandemic thingie a lot worse.

In short, it's hard to try to relax in the safety of your non-contaminated home when "home" hasn't always been a great place.

Just wondering if anybody else has felt this?

What are you doing to combat it?

Traumatized Motherfxckers

Not doomed. Not damaged.

Not dead yet.

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